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Dear Mr. Farmer,
Several allegations have recently come to my attention regarding this organization you refer to as A Halo called Fred. In my humble opinion, you would have been better off calling yourselves Pearl Jam or The Big Hello To Freud. However, this is not a letter from some fanatic follower of your "philosphy." This is about allegations and rumours which were made known to me weeks after my browser accidently stumbled upon your web page while I was searching for information on prostitution in Christchurch, New Zealand.
- For one, I know that not a single one
of you were born naturally, but come from daffodils which had previously
been living in relative peace in the town of Nagasaki, Japan, until
one fateful day.
I have also learned that you are about to appear in a film tenatively titled "Grumpy Old Men."
The one among you named Gerremiah T. Bullfrog has a single long grey hair growing from his nose and it goes down through the back of his throat and into his stomach.
Your favorite car is the 2008 Dodge Pollution. Or it will be. The direction time travels in confuses me.
You have written or will write a song for the car commercials titled "The Dodge Pollution: Breathe It In."
The one called Geverend once had an affair with President William J. Clinton.
Some of you participated in an experiment where you licked the toes of homeless people. I have photographic proof. Why? I was one of them.
7/8 of your band is about to be indicted by Kenneth Starr.
The one called Jim Bob has engaged in an unholy union with ants.
Your songs backwards are communist propaganda.
For entertainment you watch the first episode of Small Wonder again and again.
Sometimes you watch it with the volume turned down and Pink Floyd’s Dark Side Of The Moon playing in the background.
Carefully analyzed, your songs are really about the pain of sticking a thumbtack through ones fingernails and sprinkling salt on the wound.
The world is about to end because Brushwood got rid of his Horizon. WHY?!
That is all, thank you and have a nice day.
- anonymous